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2 Simple Inquiries into Self-Sabotage

We all have unlimited potential right? Well, that’s what every self-help and personal-development book tells us, and I believe it all, I do.

But often our results don’t reflect that. Why? Because our unconscious beliefs cripple our results. These ‘unconscious beliefs’ are our programmed beliefs, the ones our parents, school-teachers, and other significant people from our youth gave to us.

This is big for me. We’re taught that we need to work HARD, and that we need to SUFFER to ‘earn’ success and happiness. As if the amount of suffering we endure will amount to the quantity of our bliss. Our nature is to only invest energy into that which we believe will produce the outcome we seek. I mean, that makes logical sense right?

Decide what you want, and then go after it. Work long hours, undercut & undermine people, be nasty and play office-politics, because ‘that’s the only way you’re going to make it to the top’.

Not only have we been taught a skewed lesson on how to achieve greatness, but on the flip-side of it all, when we believe something is not going to work out – even an unconscious belief that we may consciously not even be aware of – we sabotage our potential by taking half-hearted action.

Also called Cognitive Distortions, most of the obstacles we encounter are created through thinking patterns that we have developed throughout our lives. Over time, these patterns become habits that lead to unconscious self sabotage. In order to counteract this, we need to be aware of our thinking patterns and how they affect our lives.

And this my dear friends, is what I have caught myself doing lately…drum roll please….

Little action equals lousy results.

Lousy results equal uncertainty and disheartened beliefs.  

It is a vicious cycle that only ends when you decide to change what you’re putting into it.

EARLIER ON THIS MONTH, I realised for the first time how far I had actually come. In spite of all the self-doubt, worry and self-sabotage …. it’s all come good. In fact, I’m exactly where I always wanted to be.

But wait, what now? Things are going ‘too well’. That little voice in my head says ‘something’s gotta give Ari, this is all going wayyyy too good.  I can still hear the constant dissatisfaction and frustration, the self doubt, self sabotage, resistance, judgement and fear felt when hearing this voice trying to coax me out of my happiness and satisfaction.

What I have come to realize is that Many of us sabotage because we fear change. We fear it may create too much havoc and instability in our lives. We fear that it may mean the end of our marriages, chosen careers or popularity. Sound familiar?

This type of self-sabotage, can seep its way into your goals, your relationships, projects, and almost all other areas of your life. To make this clear, what we’re actually doing is, failing on purpose. Crazy hey?!

So after having this little nugget of realization earlier this month, I started to recount all the things that have been ‘going wrong’ lately, and I’ve been able to pin-point the areas of sabotage, and finally take control and responsibility of my actions, or more appropriately, my in-actions.

Of course, things that have happened, have already happened right, but it’s my responsibility as an adult, to get my arse into gear, and step-up!

So this is what I’ve been working on which I thought to share in case you’re experiencing the same frustrations as I am:

  • Re-sort my goals – Are my goals my own or are they imposed by someone else? We often sabotage the outcome of our goals when our heart is not in it. In my case, what I realized is that I have been setting my goals too high. Being way too ambitious, so that I actually set myself up for failure. So, I set a really high goal, and then when I miss the mark, I get down on myself, which only confirms all the fear and self-doubt that I have, which then forms a perpetual cycle. And On and On we go.  I pop the lids off my essential oils, take a whif, and dig deep. The oils I used for this step are one’s for courage; Clove, Ginger, doTERRA’s Cheer Blend and doTERRA’s Motivate Blend (which I used so much that I had to purchase new bottles);  These oils are encouraging and uplifting, and they foster confidence to follow through with one’s own inspirations and intentions. They act as a support in rediscovering and maintaining one’s desire to serve your highest purpose and helps you to spring into action. To find out more on how you can purchase your Essential Oils, click here.
  • Investigate what emotions have I been avoiding? What situations have I been avoiding for fear of success or failure? By avoiding situations, we can prevent ourselves from hurtful emotions but we also prevent ourselves from happiness, moving forward, love, success, achievement and the joy of living.  This can show up in our lives in so many ways. Ask yourself honestly, can you relate to any of these three statements? And If so, how?
    1. Not getting involved in a relationship to avoid possible heartbreak.
    2. Not taking risks to avoid failure.
    3. Not asking because you’re fearful of rejection.

Whether we try to suppress our emotions via avoidance, covering up or ignoring them, it becomes clear as time progresses that our emotions are never truly suppressed. Our body is designed for expressions and thus finds alternative pathways for the emotion to surface i.e.: illness, depression, moodiness, self sabotage, stagnancy, failure, bad luck etc.

The thing is, you can do “all the right things”, and yet… if you’re constantly having thoughts and words that disempower you and others, it will sabotage your results.  What is your ‘love and bliss’ ceiling? What amount of love, bliss and ‘everything is going so well’ can you handle before ‘it’s too good to be true’? Perhaps you get to the 2 year mark and then self-sabotage because 2 years is your limit. Or perhaps it’s something else.

Passive-aggressive people sabotage the work assignment that they don’t want to do. For example, a woman I know was given a task at work that she absolutely deplored. But she was afraid of saying no to her boss, so instead she made many mistakes while completing the task to ensure that she’d never be asked to do it again.

Here is some food for thought to start the inquiry into your actions. If there is even a tinge of something herein that triggers you, delve deeper, until you know what it is that you could be doing to sabotage yourself:

#1

Unworthiness means that you don’t feel worthy of receiving the same goodness to which you believe everyone else is entitled. As a person who believes you’re unworthy, you’ll sabotage all good things as they come to you. You won’t have your sights set high enough. You’ll expect the worst, so that’s what you’ll attract and create.

#2

If you people-please, everyone will know it. People-pleasers never get away with their act. Others know that you’re faking your feelings, laughter, and smiles, and they’ll doubt your sincerity and your integrity. They won’t trust you, and they’ll wonder what else you might be dishonest about. So people-pleasing can sabotage your credibility in business, and your trustworthiness in relationships.

There are so many other ways which you can sabotage yourself. Please share your experiences in the comments below so that others can learn from you too.

 

Intimacy and Connection

My 5 Transformational Truths about Connection and Intimacy

Having dappled with being a sole trader (or as I like to call it a soul trader) for over three years, and from time to time, having my finger in the employment pie, whether it be as a full-timer or part-timer, it was time that I finally took the plunge and rocked the world of entrepreneurship.

Ups, Downs and Whirlwinds later, I am starting to find my feet in this luscious land of being my own BOSS, which by the way, took a while for me to get a handle on. No more ‘asking permission’ to do anything.  No more ‘justifications’. No more having to ask for time off ! (yeeha) I am finally the CEO of my own life, and I’m LOVING IT! Of course there are times, when the uncertainty gets the better of my psyche, but to be honest – all it takes are a few hours away from the screen, reading, walking or hanging out at the dog park with Marvin, and I’m reset & recharged.

The one thing that I wasn’t prepared for though, was the craving I now have for connection. Don’t get me wrong, I still teach Yoga, and host Essential Oil Classes around Australia. I’m on the phone All. Day. Long. But it’s not that I’m lonely. I mean, I’m an only child, and my bliss is being left alone to enjoy good quality ‘me time’. Drop me in the idle of no-where, and I’ll be as happy as a pig in poofie.
I’m talking about REAL connection. The type you find with people you work with every day. The checking-in every morning with a cuppa joe to find out how the few hours spent apart the night before went. The constant questioning and true concern about your home life. Your feelings, your worries, your experiences. You know what I mean?

Human beings are hardwired for connection and intimacy.  It’s the vulnerability aspect of true friendships that allow us to crack open and bare all. The ‘knowing’ that there is no judgment over our perception of situations, and the ability to be completely honest and truthful about our deepest darkest secrets.  So it’s no surprise (hindsight has 20/20 vision right?) that this is the one aspects of my new life, that I truly miss.

Over the years, I have loved deepening my connection with myself and researching the Divine within. I thought that I was confident in understanding and experiencing authentic relationships in all areas of my life.  Turns out that nothing prepares you for the effort required to reach out and create deep authentic connections, especially when you’re working by your lonesome.

Truly divine connections come when we do our best to honour and understand ourselves, and we’re able to wear our hearts on our sleeves. That’s the key to rocking relationships.

When you look back at how humans have lived throughout history, it’s always been about connection.

We used to live in tribes, and have our friends and families look after one another’s children.

Indigenous people live, breath, and participate in this kind of world still.  

They collaborate and celebrate life’s happenings. They live in harmony with a reverence for life, in a ‘you and me’ world. Not a ‘you or me’ me world.

Is this what has driven us apart as a culture? Have we lost our soul connections because of competition? Distinctions of living life in scarcity instead of sufficiency?

We have seriously lost touch with the importance of connection, community and celebration?

In the aggressive ‘money-culture’ that we live in, where we’re always craving more. More Money, Bigger Houses, Faster Cars. Are we missing out on experiencing the sensuous flows that invite intimacy with the present moment?

Should we instead be striving for More intimacy?  More connection?  More real, raw and authentic relationships?  And more fulfilment?

And if so, how do we boost intimacy & connection? Not only the sexual intimacy that we have with our partners and spouses, but that with ourselves and those close to us in our lives?

Here is what I have found to be true:

  1. Nothing beats connecting in real life, because common goals = true connection and a room of babes = laughs. ALL the best bits. My goal for the first half of 2017?  Connection 
  2. Meditation is the no.1 key to cementing the connection with ourselves. Sometimes a silent meditation is perfect, and sometimes guided meditations are da bomb. I have so much respect for Esther Hicks, and her Abraham Hicks Relationships Meditation (not just for love-relationships but for all connections with other people) is my go-to reminder of how important it is to stay connected.
  3. When fear motivates me to pull the curtains shut… that’s when I do myself — and you, and women —  a disservice. So in setting the intention to truly connect with ya’all, I’m bearing all and fuelling my courage with authentic and fearless conversations.
  4. Essential oils increase spiritual awareness and connection. The physical therapeutic benefits & also the moment of tender loving connection when applying them to the body, brings an instant sense of connection. There are so many ways to connect without the saying a word. I connect with my yoga students in savasana by giving them a little head massage with the oils. I connect with my husband by rubbing his feet with Lavender, Vetiver and Hawaiian Sandalwood before bed. Not a word said, but whole lot of connection right there. THAT creates connection.
  5. The intention to simply bring more celebration, creativity and connection to our everyday, with all forms of expression, invites us to hold the principles of what’s going on in our hearts and minds as a complex tool. Tools of inquiry & connection. By setting this intention EveryDamnDay, we can start to conjure up the consistency of self-inquiry, which will only lead to more true, authentic and honest relationships. Full of connection and love.

The butterflies in my belly are fluttering in anticipation of the months to come. I hope you decide to join me and this fast-growing and engaged community for this experience of learning, connection, and positive change in how we practice intimacy and change the way we live, love and connect.

What have you found to be true about connection? Do you have any truths you’d like to share with us?  Anything that you’d like to declare for the upcoming months?

 

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